You realize how unprepared you are, and how unprepared you could possibly be. People tell you the first 6 months are the hardest. You try to go on with life because what the hell else are you going to do? You find yourself at an event and it feels like you're watching it on TV. How is everyone just going along with life? You don't remember getting yourself places. You feel disconnected from the world around you. There's nowhere to hide, but you leave the room anyway. Especially the one time you can't help but watch these old home movies that someone brought over. You avoid all pictures, videos, memories of her. You go to work, hoping to distract yourself. You try to force yourself to get over it. You lose your appetite and hide in your room. You leave some cooling masks in the fridge to help with puffy eyes, but you never take them out. But like, saddest kind of relief that doesn't even feel good. You get a strange feeling the first time you drive by the hospital exit on the freeway and keep going. Especially the ones who are trying to help. You fight with the people closest to you. One minute she's still there, and the next minute, the world is empty. Immediately, you understand on a primordial level that she's gone. If you've lost someone you're close to, you might recognize some of these. Here are 100 things that happened after my mom died. As I reflect on the past five years, I've remembered some things and forgotten others I've grown I've surprised myself in a lot of ways. Losing a parent changes who you are I often tell people it's like joining a shitty club that no one wants to be a part of.Īfter she died, I didn't know what the rest of my life had in store for me. But I didn't learn what that really meant until I was forced into that situation personally. Of course, I understood the value of therapy and frequently encouraged people to go. People overcome all kinds of adversity without "professional help." Communities are resilient. But that was a baller move.īeing a therapist, I thought I could handle it on my own when she died.
Tall skinny middle school Sara was so embarrassed at the time. One time she returned something to Best Buy with a receipt from Circuit City. She was a SJW before that was a thing. Oh, and she was a master at bypassing any return policy. These days, my sister and I can joke about "what would mommy do?" in a certain situation. (It's usually some form of blurting out exactly what's on her mind and not taking people's shit. Now I can think past the sad memories and smile about the happy ones. I'm actually sharing and talking about it instead of bottling up my grief. But I do notice that I've made some semblance of peace with it. So when she lost her unexpected battle with cancer, I was devastated. To say we were "close" is an understatement. This week marks five years since my mom passed away.
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